the magic tummy rub

my little dutch girl. kid couldn’t have been more than two or three at the time. disney movies were in full swing, so i guess that helped. i never talked baby talk to her, but gibberish is another matter. it would thrill her & sometimes i’d get into a real kick- dr. suess all day long. my mother being the queen of dyslexic suess. but out & out make up a story that was designed to convince, no. i couldn’t really talk about santa but in circular terms- it bothered me. i’d use absurdity to get her to think something through. when she was pushing my buttons this young, i used to tell her i ate all her previous brothers & sisters, so she’d better watch out. barbecued them. she’d eye me suspiciously, until one day she put her little hands on her hips & said loudly - notuh! this night i lied my ass off. i hear the kid, in the middle of the night, calling out for me & find her in the bathroom.

she’s on the toilet. arms wrapped around her belly, bent in half, rocking. bathroom smells worse than i could possibly entertain with. it set me back a step. but that’s my only, shitting there & she’s pale lipped & got a green-grey glow about her, so i go in. flush. flush again. i tell you, i learned the hard way not to let her try to many new foods at once between the ages of one & two because of what i had to suffer while she was still in diapers & just after & i’d have to conquer. pregnancy made me a professional puker. motherhood gave me the ability to pretty much forego vomiting. this was a challenge. but oh, the pain on her face, in her rocking body. i wanted only to take it from her this very second, so i sit down next to her and circle rub her back. nope.

don’t touch her. she’ll take a sip of water & even that was negotiation. epic failure. took a few minutes to clean up the expressed fluids. there was nothing she’d let me do for her. i checked the bathroom cabinet, in case we had some Tums or Maalox. don’t bother. she’s convinced that swallowing anything will make it worse. she was that bad. so, i sit down next to her- yep, the offending pot, too & think. -you know what? i know just the thing!

she’s eyeing me suspiciously again, but she’s not wise to this one yet, so i try. felt like the wicked queen from snow white that i had seen a thousand times that week. i hadn’t a clue what to do & could barely handle the thought of making it worse, but she needed something. -i know the magic tummy rub!

oh! to believe in magic. the change on her face. the interest, the hope, the curiosity. still, this is my kid & she’s skeptical. -tell me about it, she says. she’s testing me & i’m about to fail. nothing came to mind. -one cannot explain magic. one can only do it. she nodded. seemed convinced.

then test two. -what do you need to do? even at her worst, she’s prodding me gently for every answer under the sun. so afraid to fuck up, too. -well, i gotta rub your belly. no, she’s shaking her head no. -i gotta, honey. she hangs her head. -look. do you want this over with quick or slow? she just groans. it was so pathetic, i had to laugh a little. she gives me the evil eye & tells me to go ahead. permission. now comes the true test!

i felt like going & getting my mother at this point, for absolute real. which tells you something, because all i’m gonna get from her is judgement for not having That Instinct. That Tone of Voice goes with it, too. i would argue that going & getting a woman that’s been through this a few times before was a good instinct, but it would be wasted on her. she made up her mind about me long before i was that size, miserable on the toilet. i’m on my own, so i act like i’m warming up, to buy a little time.

crack my fingers. stretch them back. blow on my hand, warm it up. help her adjust so i can put my hand on her belly & just start real gently press back & forth. took about a minute of her at her worst. i was about to give up & come clean. then the look of surprise on her face. she was looking better, too. just that quick, and that slow. you can have that Car Accident Slow-Mo even at these relatively ordinary times.

she sat up a little & gives me a nod. i start going in circles on her soft, tiny little belly. this was magic. she changes back to her normal pink beige & she starts getting color back in her lips. you can hear her tummy growl, gurgle & gulp. i told her this was just the last hiccups that her belly was making to get back to normal. she just nods. you can tell she’s paying close attention to what she’s feeling. i’m sure we are both wondering how, but i can’t show that. i’m glenda the good witch now.

we get her cleaned up. would have just hosed her off if i thought i could get away with it. i’ve done that to her after the really messy, muddy or paint covered shit over the years. i take that pudgy little hand to lead her into my bed. she looks up at me and says, -that really was The Magic Tummy Rub. i nodded down to her. put that beautiful little thing in bed with me & wrap us up nice & tight & warm. hope & pray painful nights like this will be few and far between. still, you’d never know the magic you had without them.